The Coach's notebook- stories that evoke change

One of the most common questions clients ask me is: How do I have a difficult conversation with a team member?  To protect client confidentiality, names are fictitious, but the scenarios are very “real”

Harry needed to speak to a Team member about a change in behaviour.  He explained that normally this individual spoke up at meetings and often volunteered for extra work.  There was nothing wrong with their performance or their capability however Harry just knew something was not right. 

We talked about when would be the best time to speak, I explained that it is not only the day of the week, but also ensuring it is the right time of the day.  Also was keen for him to find the right environment somewhere private, and potentially out of the office. 

The top tips we walked through were as follows:- 

•       Starting with a neutral tone – just a general check in 

•       Setting the right tone – empathetic “I would like to understand…

•       Suspend judgement have an open mind going into the conversation 

•       Use clear and constructive language (don’t avoid the issue)

•       Use a framework and prepare before 

•       Encourage dialogue (Ask not Tell) 

•       Power of the pause, and reconvene if you need to

•       Less is more 

•       Be solution focused and agree next steps together 

•       Acknowledge emotions – how you feel and they feel? 

The framework I suggested was “SBI” – situation/behaviour & impact.  Harry to introduce a situation that had happened recently and to describe their behaviour and then ask the person what they think the impact was on people in the meeting. 

Harry took the Team member out for coffee, and he said initially it went well.  As he introduced the SBI, the person became emotional and so Harry decided to pause the conversation.  He returned to the office and suggested the team member get some fresh air and come back when they were ready. 

The next day the Team member shared that their Mum had been ill, and it was overwhelming their thoughts and how they were in general. Harry was ready to suggest support with a temporary change to hours so that they could see their Mum.  The relief of going there and sharing was great for both of them.

This conversation reminded Harry that what appears to be a performance issue is often something deeper. By approaching the discussion with curiosity rather than judgement, he created space for honesty and support.



“Clear is kind & Unclear is unkind” Brené Brown